Mitzvah Mom

Budget, What Budget?

“Party Planning on a Budget Part 1” offered tips on how to trim costs and tamp down the ever growing list of expenses when it comes to throwing a shindig to remember.  Unfortunately, now that we are a bit deeper into the planning process (though all we have secured are a location and DJ, I have done a lot of research), I realize that even with following my own tips, the little things will add up very quickly and leave me saying, "Budget?  What budget?"  Perhaps that's why I took an extended break from planning (and hence blogging about planning) - I would like to bury my head in the sand and just not think about draining my bank account for one night.

Perhaps if I didn’t attempt to follow a budget, costs would seriously spiral out of control, easily topping the $40,000 mark. So, maybe I am accomplishing something.  But, it’s frustrating and a tad scary that once you commit to a certain type of party (a traditional bar mitzvah), you are really locked in.  Deposits are paid and who wants to lose $1,000, if not more?  Not I.  Should we have looked into hosting a simple luncheon?  Perhaps, but that is not what my son, D, wants and since it’s a celebration honoring his passage into manhood, who am I to deny him?  OK, that last statement makes me sound like the most indulgent parent on the planet, as if I give in to my kids’ every whim – budget be damned.  But, that is certainly not the case.  Just ask my kids.  They’ll tell you that I deny them plenty.  Super fancy sneakers - $40 sneakers from the Nike outlet are just as good as $140 sneakers from a fancy boutique; a 50 inch flat screen; beach vacations; dinners out every week – the list goes on.  But, despite what D. thinks, I want his party to reflect him – to be exactly what he has dreamed about.  I don’t want him to think his friends’ parties were all better.  But, I know that’s inevitable.  

After every affair, D. tells me how many dancers there were at the party. Last weekend he arrived home from a bar mitzvah and the first words out of his mouth were, “Three dancers!”  No, “Hello,” just “Three dancers!”  If you read my first post, you know that we aren’t planning on having dancers.  One DJ actually said to me that not having dancers is a disaster waiting to happen (we didn’t book them).  My sister cautioned me that the party will be boring without dancers.  And, D. really wants dancers.  So, I may have to cut something else out – like the Pop – A – Shot game we were planning on getting, along with one or two other arcade games.  Something has to go.

I feel terrible – so guilty – that I can’t give D. the party he wants, when he attends a lavish fete almost every weekend.  If we lived anywhere else, the party we are planning would be considered over the top – but not on Long Island.  I told a friend in Massachusetts about the dancers and she was incredulous.  “Why would you need dancers?” she asked, followed by, “That’s crazy!”  Anywhere else spending $40,000 on a party is unheard of – here it’s the norm.  I want that $40,000 (if I even had that kind of extra cash) to go to a bigger house.  But, D. just knows that he wants a party like his friends.  I so wish I could give it to him, but I just can’t.  He’s not a spoiled kid either.  He’s a hard worker, making high honor roll for the first two quarters this year (and getting straight A’s every quarter since fifth grade.  He will be taking high school math, science and art in eighth grade next year – placing into all of the advanced classes available.  He is polite and all of his teachers love him.  All of which makes it that much harder to deny him. 

The other day I said to my husband that we would be comfortable financially if we lived somewhere else – pretty much anywhere else.   I regularly dream about picking up and moving to say, Florida.  I fantasize about the warm weather and lower house payments, a more laid back lifestyle.  But, then I realize that I’ll never move – it’s just that, a fantasy.  I would love to transplant my family to sunny Florida, where keeping up Joneses (or more appropriately, keeping up with the Steins), is not a competitive sport (or at least not as much of a competitive sport).  According to Wikipedia, the movie Keeping Up with the Steins is “a commentary on how too many Jewish families see a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah not as a coming of age for their son or daughter, but rather as an excuse to throw outrageously lavish parties.” Maybe I should rent that movie again and make D. watch it with me.  I won’t say what happens, in case any of my readers haven’t seen it and wish to – but, I think it might put things in perspective.  Then again, it might not.  Once a kid starts going to party after party with each one topping the one before, it’s hard to scale back and go simple.  But, I’m going to try.  My wallet and sanity demand it.

In Case I Don't Win Mega Millions - Party Planning On a Budget, Part 1

I had a dream the other night that six dancers were boogying their way around the dance floor at my son, D's, bar mitzvah, performing acrobatic flips and spins.  Six - my husband and I prefer none.  If you read my blog post below, "A Bittersweet Place," then you know our reasons for this.  (Of course, we don’t judge anyone who has them – it’s all a personality thing.)  But, none of our reasons really mattered once we found out that dancers ratchet up the price of a DJ to an, OK, what are we going to give up to afford this? level.  We are new to this planning game, having just met with a caterer for the first time a few days ago and we’re slowly of figuring out how to celebrate and not drain our bank account.  So, there will be no dancers at D’s bar mitzvah, whether I dream about them or not. 

 

I was sure that D. really wouldn’t care one way or another.  So completely sure, that I simply mentioned in passing that we wouldn't have dancers, not expecting a conversation, let alone an argument.  However, D. protested, "Why would anyone dance without dancers?"  I explained that we would have an MC to encourage the kids to dance.  When this wasn’t quite enough, I explained that it was twice the price to have even two dancers and we would just have to have his bar mitzvah without them.  Thankfully, D. realized pretty quickly that dancers don't make the party (especially since I promised we’d rent a basketball game to keep his friends entertained), but I still had that dream.  It was the first of many anxiety dreams, I'm sure (before my wedding, I dreamed almost every night that I was walking down the aisle in either a see-through dress or completely naked).  The dancer dream was symbolic - how much do we concede to our son and how much do we control?  If it is a celebration of his entry into “manhood,” does he decide the tone of the party?  I think in the end, our budget will necessarily decide the tone.

 

We simply can not spend $30,000 on a party, nor would I want to - I'd rather put $30,000 toward a new house, if I even had an extra $30,000 floating around.  But, it is so tempting, so very tempting to simply write a blank check and hand it over.  In our meeting with the caterer (Del Mir Caterers), he outlined everything that a top of the line party would offer.  My husband, Jeff, sucked in his breath at the description of the lavish spread and swore he wouldn’t eat for a month beforehand.  With seven stations at the cocktail hour, each one more mouth watering than the next, plus a cold display; a choice of three gourmet entrees – no rubber chicken with limp veggies and a microwaved potato here – everything sounded delicious.  The dessert choices would please even the most discerning sweet tooth.  Just the sheer abundance – molten lava chocolate cake with chocolate covered strawberries, a sundae bar and about a gazillion other temptations - made me gain weight just thinking about them.  But then, the reality – all this was actually fairly reasonable, but adding the “extras” (video /photography; a DJ; photo favors; traditional favors; clothing for both the service and the affair the next day and on and on) catapulted us over budget.

 

Where does that leave us?  Well, we are resisting the urge to just go all out and are trying to design an affair that is meaningful and fun for D. and his friends.  No offense to all of the grown ups on our list, but they will be taking a backseat in our planning.  Which brings me to tip #1 learned during our introductory foray into party planning: If you want to save money – host a kids’ party, with only the adults in your closest circle invited.  Friends with whom you speak at least once a month (or at the minimum chat with often on facebook) make the cut.  Grandpa’s business associate from fifteen years ago who has never met your children and wouldn’t recognize you if you bit him on the nose, since the last time he saw you was at your wedding, does not.  Of course, there are exceptions – friends from childhood and college, with whom you just don’t get to speak often, but the moment you do, it’s like no time has passed should always be on the list.  And, Grandma and Grandpa's closest friends are often must-haves.  Family members are generally non-negotiable, unless you are completely estranged. 

 

Now that you’ve trimmed the list, take a look at the menu.  Menu planning lands us at tip #2: Kids don’t really need the fanciest food, but they do need to eat and they do need a variety.  Focus on simple, crowd pleasing fare and maybe two choices for the adults, instead of three.  Or perhaps a buffet makes more sense for you.  We have even been toying with the idea of offering brunch food – an omelet station; Belgian waffles; challah french toast; crepes; lox and smoked whitefish; tuna and egg salads; bagels, bagels and more bagels.  Quite honestly, this fare appeals to me more than fancy gourmet dishes and may very well appeal to those on your guest list, as well.  The only caveat – you can’t go the brunch route if you host a Saturday night black tie affair.  But, if you are hosting a Sunday afternoon shindig (as we are), this menu fits the more casual vibe.  Even a modified cocktail hour with only two stations and a cold table lops a chuck of change off the bill.  If you want to trim costs for a Saturday night affair, but still want it fancy, try a club theme, with a lavish hors d’oeuvres spread and a buffet, but no sit down meal.  Beware though, if you opt for club décor, you will spend whatever you save on food on furniture rental.  By working with the décor of your venue and letting your table top decorations enhance the club theme, you will keep the food savings in your pocket. 

 

Of course, one of the best ways to trim costs is tip #3: simply host a kiddush after the service, in lieu of a full blown affair.  A kiddush is defined by Wikipedia as “a ceremonial meal served at the synagogue following…the conclusion of services.”  A kiddush can be as bountiful or a simple as you like.  A very basic kiddush might include challah; crackers; fish (whitefish, smoked fish; herring; etc.); cake and fruit.  If all you are hosting is a kiddush, you can offer your guests a fairly lavish spread for a fraction of what a Saturday night or even Sunday afternoon affair would cost.  A sumptuous kiddush might include challah; bagels; tuna fish and egg salads; whitefish salad; lox; herring; baked salmon; sliced cheeses; pasta salads; various types of cream cheese; a salad platter; fruit; cake and cookies.  Because of the ceremonial feel of a kiddush, it definitely keeps the spirituality of the occasion in the celebration.  Most likely you will host a kiddush after the service anyway, so if you are working within a strict budget or if you are planning on celebrating with a special vacation (rather than a party) this is a wonderful way to mark the milestone.

 

Hosting a kiddush right after services allows you to save on another budget buster – clothing.  You only need one outfit for the synagogue and can skip a second for the affair (which you would require for a Saturday night or Sunday celebration).  If you do need two outfits, here’s tip #4: host a “Denim and Diamonds” party.  Stated on the invitation, this lets your guests know you expect them to wear jeans and a dressy shirt.  If you are hosting a bar mitzvah, you can state “club attire” on the invite, since “Denim and Diamonds” is more appropriate for a girl, than a boy.  Either way – a new pair of jeans and a fancy shirt are far less costly than a cocktail dress or a new suit.  As an added benefit, everyone will be more comfortable on the dance floor!  I know for myself, the thought of no pantyhose is enough to make me seriously consider this option.  My son loves the idea too.  What kid wouldn’t want the freedom of movement jeans affords?  Plus, this attire fits in perfectly with a money-saving club theme. 

 

We are only a fraction of the way into this planning process and I’m sure I will learn a lot more as we are forced to winnow down our choices, regarding menus and entertainment.  I hope to share any nuggets I pick up along the way and perhaps vent a bit, in the hopes that others who are pulling their hair out as they write check after check will at least feel better, knowing they are not alone.  Even such a joyous occasion can be fraught with anxiety over budgets and head butting with a newly minted (or about to be) teenager.  In the end though, it will all be worth it.  And here’s tip #5: remember to just breathe and enjoy the process and above all, cherish the memories you are about to create.

 

*Special thanks to Keith Senzer, of Del Mir Caterers,  for sharing his encyclopedic knowledge of party planning!