Mitzvah Mom

Mitzvah or Mediation

I often wonder how many marriages implode during the planning of a bar or bat mitzvah. If my
own union is any indication, I would say the number is quite high. No, my husband, Jeff, and I aren’t getting a divorce, but I would imagine that if you don’t have eighteen plus years of weathering storms and somehow always emerging back into sunshine under your belt, it would be pretty tempting to throw up your hands and simply walk away, hora be damned. We just can’t seem to agree on many things and part of that is due to Jeff’s out of state upbringing. Parties in New York are different from most places (with the exception of the suburbs of Washington DC and the LA area, and maybe a few other metropolitan locales). For one thing, I would imagine that DJs don’t cost as much as a weeklong beach vacation. Is it better? I’m sure it is, but that doesn’t help me when my son, D, is going to New York bar mitzvahs and coming home begging for the same things. Now, I don’t give into him on everything – that is definitely not my parenting style. But, some things – like a dancer or two – make sense to me. Not to Jeff. He is adamantly opposed to a dancer and if you’ve read my first blog post, you know that I was too. What changed my mind? Going to bar and bat mitzvahs and seeing that the dancers actually earn their keep, assuring the party is flowing and the kids are dancing. D. declaring, “If I don’t have dancers, I don’t even want a party, because no one will dance!” also forced me to rethink my position.

Jeff is still not swayed – he thinks young women in cleavage baring shirts dancing with thirteen year old boys is creepy and a waste of money. I explained to Jeff that we can request that they wear conservative clothing (an option that I didn’t know about until recently and that makes me feel a whole lot better about the creepiness factor). The caterer agreed with D. that dancers are necessary to keep the party flowing and worth the price, but Jeff still won’t budge. I promised D. that I’ll get him to compromise, because I know Jeff and he loves D. more than anything and wants to make him happy. Maybe he’ll agree to one dancer or a break dancer – D’s idea.

Dancers are the biggest point of contention in our ongoing planning battle and really the only one that has caused us to hunker down on opposing sides, but there are myriad small issues that cause tiny fault lines in our relationship. This is supposed to be a joyous time, but the necessary tallying up of costs for every little thing is causing both of us tremendous stress. If the average couple’s biggest fights are about money, then planning a bar or bat mitzvah throws those fights into high
relief, thanks to budgets that spin so easily out of control. I have really tried to curb my spending and find economical alternatives. And, I think that Jeff has begun to understand that the budget might take a bit more of a hit than we planned. I understand his point of view, though. I certainly
don’t want our savings washed away in one night, replaced by soul crushing debt. But I also want my son to have a night he’ll always remember. How to balance those two desires is one of the trickiest conundrums we’ve stumbled into.

I am sure that in marriage (as in life), what doesn’t kill it will make it stronger. In the scope of things (over nearly two decades we’ve weathered and survived illnesses, a death in the family (my dad), job loss, children’s health problems, dog’s life threatening illness…), this is truly nothing, even though it seems big right now. I’m confident that we’ll look back on this time a year or two from now and it won’t seem so fraught with tension, but of course at that point, we’ll be planning the next bar mitzvah…

 

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DIY or Not...

I had high hopes and lofty aspirations when I started planning my son, D’s, bar mitzvah. I
intended to make my own invitations, centerpieces, place cards, etc. and I intended to blog about each step of planning. I was sure I would have everything done (or at least a good chunk of it
done) three months before the big day. Well, yesterday was twelve weeks until the bar mitzvah celebration (two days ago was twelve weeks until the service) and I am nowhere near done. My hopes of making my own invites were dashed a few months ago when life got in the way – my father passed away while I was in the middle of designing the invite. I went straight to the hospital to visit him after shopping for a printer just for this purpose – I showed him a sample sheet I had printed so he could see how vivid the gold was and how vibrant the blue. I was excited about creating the invite, but after he passed away a few days later (right after getting home from the hospital), I just couldn’t concentrate on it. After a month or two passed and I still hadn’t found papers I liked, it was simply too late to make it myself. So, I ordered invites at Party City. (I was actually quite surprised by the variety of invites they had and the quality, while still being in my budget.)

Now, I will simply use that fancy printer to print out the envelope addresses. The return addresses are pre-printed. I am hoping to use it to make my own place cards, as well, but I really need to get cracking on that. I know I can’t print them until I know who’s coming, but I can at least design them.
I found a website with very cool, customizable and printable place cards, but instead of being excited to design them myself, I am becoming anxious that I’ll be printing them the night before the affair. I’m still not ready to hand the reins over to someone else, though. I have decided that I am a control freak and I like to do everything myself – a nightmarish trait when coupled with my inherent tendency to procrastinate, unless I have a looming deadline. I know that I will insist that I can do it and will – but, only at the very last minute. That is why I gave in and ordered the invites – I may be a control freak, but at least I am somewhat realistic in my limitations. And since invites need to be ready a couple of months before everything else, I knew there was no way I would get them done in time.

Another reason I couldn’t get the invites done was that I have been spending every free minute working on a novel that an agent expressed possible interest in. I still haven’t finished, but it’s getting there and I need to put as much effort into it as possible, since it could be a huge break and if it’s not, at least I can self-publish or shop it elsewhere. But, as crazy as it is, I hope I don’t have to do that – I have dreamed of working with this agent since I met her 14 years ago. So, am I crazy that I haven’t given up on the idea of making my own place cards and centerpieces with everything else that I have to do? I’m driving a bus for my kids’ camp and work at camp sometimes, so that leaves me about four to five hours to clean up from the morning rush, do laundry, work on my novel, run errands and take care of bar mitzvah related tasks (which as of last week, included shopping for a dress, but that’s another blog post) – on the days I don’t work. It sounds like a good chunk of time, but it’s not. It slips by so quickly, like sand through an hour glass – I never get everything done. But, although I suppose I may be willing to bend on the place cards, I just can’t give up the thought of designing and making my own centerpieces. My cousin added fuel to the fire by giving me adorable baseball planters that she used for her own son’s baseball themed bar mitzvah. I brought one with me to meet with my caterer and he said that if I add balloons to the decorations I planned (a pennant, D’s baseball card, etc.), they should be perfect. I feel like with this great head start, I would be silly not to make the centerpieces.

It’s this idea – if I can do something myself, why should I pay someone else to do it that trips me up.
It’s not just a money thing really – I fancy myself a crafty soul and I just can’t let go of the opportunity to create something. I know I’m making the sign in book. I had a business making sign in books several years ago and there is no way I could pay someone to do it. I’d have to get paid in order to turn over the reins on that project to someone else. Plus, I already bought the materials.
But, even my husband, who is desperately trying to keep this party on budget, is a bit wary about homemade centerpieces. Our caterer brought up a valid point when he reminded me that if I make the centerpieces myself, I need to come in and set them up myself right before the party. They have another affair Saturday night, so that leaves Sunday morning to set up the room. I don’t know how I
will possibly do that. Plus, the day we met with him he sent me into the ballroom to see the homemade centerpieces for that afternoon’s affair. As I walked in the breeze from an air conditioning vent sent the top of the centerpiece closest to me tumbling to the table. As I
glanced around, I noticed other “headless” centerpieces. A cautionary tale if there ever was one.

With less than twelve weeks to go, I better make up my mind soon. I am already having
nightmares about a room bare of any decoration, save for those migraine inducing “intelligent” lights bathing the room in different colors. I really hate those, but D. wants them and I believe we already paid the DJ for them. But, no matter how many colors the room turns, it needs some sort of
cohesive theme, some sort of embellishment – whether it will be by my hand or not, remains to be seen…

 

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Budget, What Budget?

“Party Planning on a Budget Part 1” offered tips on how to trim costs and tamp down the ever growing list of expenses when it comes to throwing a shindig to remember.  Unfortunately, now that we are a bit deeper into the planning process (though all we have secured are a location and DJ, I have done a lot of research), I realize that even with following my own tips, the little things will add up very quickly and leave me saying, "Budget?  What budget?"  Perhaps that's why I took an extended break from planning (and hence blogging about planning) - I would like to bury my head in the sand and just not think about draining my bank account for one night.

Perhaps if I didn’t attempt to follow a budget, costs would seriously spiral out of control, easily topping the $40,000 mark. So, maybe I am accomplishing something.  But, it’s frustrating and a tad scary that once you commit to a certain type of party (a traditional bar mitzvah), you are really locked in.  Deposits are paid and who wants to lose $1,000, if not more?  Not I.  Should we have looked into hosting a simple luncheon?  Perhaps, but that is not what my son, D, wants and since it’s a celebration honoring his passage into manhood, who am I to deny him?  OK, that last statement makes me sound like the most indulgent parent on the planet, as if I give in to my kids’ every whim – budget be damned.  But, that is certainly not the case.  Just ask my kids.  They’ll tell you that I deny them plenty.  Super fancy sneakers - $40 sneakers from the Nike outlet are just as good as $140 sneakers from a fancy boutique; a 50 inch flat screen; beach vacations; dinners out every week – the list goes on.  But, despite what D. thinks, I want his party to reflect him – to be exactly what he has dreamed about.  I don’t want him to think his friends’ parties were all better.  But, I know that’s inevitable.  

After every affair, D. tells me how many dancers there were at the party. Last weekend he arrived home from a bar mitzvah and the first words out of his mouth were, “Three dancers!”  No, “Hello,” just “Three dancers!”  If you read my first post, you know that we aren’t planning on having dancers.  One DJ actually said to me that not having dancers is a disaster waiting to happen (we didn’t book them).  My sister cautioned me that the party will be boring without dancers.  And, D. really wants dancers.  So, I may have to cut something else out – like the Pop – A – Shot game we were planning on getting, along with one or two other arcade games.  Something has to go.

I feel terrible – so guilty – that I can’t give D. the party he wants, when he attends a lavish fete almost every weekend.  If we lived anywhere else, the party we are planning would be considered over the top – but not on Long Island.  I told a friend in Massachusetts about the dancers and she was incredulous.  “Why would you need dancers?” she asked, followed by, “That’s crazy!”  Anywhere else spending $40,000 on a party is unheard of – here it’s the norm.  I want that $40,000 (if I even had that kind of extra cash) to go to a bigger house.  But, D. just knows that he wants a party like his friends.  I so wish I could give it to him, but I just can’t.  He’s not a spoiled kid either.  He’s a hard worker, making high honor roll for the first two quarters this year (and getting straight A’s every quarter since fifth grade.  He will be taking high school math, science and art in eighth grade next year – placing into all of the advanced classes available.  He is polite and all of his teachers love him.  All of which makes it that much harder to deny him. 

The other day I said to my husband that we would be comfortable financially if we lived somewhere else – pretty much anywhere else.   I regularly dream about picking up and moving to say, Florida.  I fantasize about the warm weather and lower house payments, a more laid back lifestyle.  But, then I realize that I’ll never move – it’s just that, a fantasy.  I would love to transplant my family to sunny Florida, where keeping up Joneses (or more appropriately, keeping up with the Steins), is not a competitive sport (or at least not as much of a competitive sport).  According to Wikipedia, the movie Keeping Up with the Steins is “a commentary on how too many Jewish families see a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah not as a coming of age for their son or daughter, but rather as an excuse to throw outrageously lavish parties.” Maybe I should rent that movie again and make D. watch it with me.  I won’t say what happens, in case any of my readers haven’t seen it and wish to – but, I think it might put things in perspective.  Then again, it might not.  Once a kid starts going to party after party with each one topping the one before, it’s hard to scale back and go simple.  But, I’m going to try.  My wallet and sanity demand it.

In Case I Don't Win Mega Millions - Party Planning On a Budget, Part 1

I had a dream the other night that six dancers were boogying their way around the dance floor at my son, D's, bar mitzvah, performing acrobatic flips and spins.  Six - my husband and I prefer none.  If you read my blog post below, "A Bittersweet Place," then you know our reasons for this.  (Of course, we don’t judge anyone who has them – it’s all a personality thing.)  But, none of our reasons really mattered once we found out that dancers ratchet up the price of a DJ to an, OK, what are we going to give up to afford this? level.  We are new to this planning game, having just met with a caterer for the first time a few days ago and we’re slowly of figuring out how to celebrate and not drain our bank account.  So, there will be no dancers at D’s bar mitzvah, whether I dream about them or not. 

 

I was sure that D. really wouldn’t care one way or another.  So completely sure, that I simply mentioned in passing that we wouldn't have dancers, not expecting a conversation, let alone an argument.  However, D. protested, "Why would anyone dance without dancers?"  I explained that we would have an MC to encourage the kids to dance.  When this wasn’t quite enough, I explained that it was twice the price to have even two dancers and we would just have to have his bar mitzvah without them.  Thankfully, D. realized pretty quickly that dancers don't make the party (especially since I promised we’d rent a basketball game to keep his friends entertained), but I still had that dream.  It was the first of many anxiety dreams, I'm sure (before my wedding, I dreamed almost every night that I was walking down the aisle in either a see-through dress or completely naked).  The dancer dream was symbolic - how much do we concede to our son and how much do we control?  If it is a celebration of his entry into “manhood,” does he decide the tone of the party?  I think in the end, our budget will necessarily decide the tone.

 

We simply can not spend $30,000 on a party, nor would I want to - I'd rather put $30,000 toward a new house, if I even had an extra $30,000 floating around.  But, it is so tempting, so very tempting to simply write a blank check and hand it over.  In our meeting with the caterer (Del Mir Caterers), he outlined everything that a top of the line party would offer.  My husband, Jeff, sucked in his breath at the description of the lavish spread and swore he wouldn’t eat for a month beforehand.  With seven stations at the cocktail hour, each one more mouth watering than the next, plus a cold display; a choice of three gourmet entrees – no rubber chicken with limp veggies and a microwaved potato here – everything sounded delicious.  The dessert choices would please even the most discerning sweet tooth.  Just the sheer abundance – molten lava chocolate cake with chocolate covered strawberries, a sundae bar and about a gazillion other temptations - made me gain weight just thinking about them.  But then, the reality – all this was actually fairly reasonable, but adding the “extras” (video /photography; a DJ; photo favors; traditional favors; clothing for both the service and the affair the next day and on and on) catapulted us over budget.

 

Where does that leave us?  Well, we are resisting the urge to just go all out and are trying to design an affair that is meaningful and fun for D. and his friends.  No offense to all of the grown ups on our list, but they will be taking a backseat in our planning.  Which brings me to tip #1 learned during our introductory foray into party planning: If you want to save money – host a kids’ party, with only the adults in your closest circle invited.  Friends with whom you speak at least once a month (or at the minimum chat with often on facebook) make the cut.  Grandpa’s business associate from fifteen years ago who has never met your children and wouldn’t recognize you if you bit him on the nose, since the last time he saw you was at your wedding, does not.  Of course, there are exceptions – friends from childhood and college, with whom you just don’t get to speak often, but the moment you do, it’s like no time has passed should always be on the list.  And, Grandma and Grandpa's closest friends are often must-haves.  Family members are generally non-negotiable, unless you are completely estranged. 

 

Now that you’ve trimmed the list, take a look at the menu.  Menu planning lands us at tip #2: Kids don’t really need the fanciest food, but they do need to eat and they do need a variety.  Focus on simple, crowd pleasing fare and maybe two choices for the adults, instead of three.  Or perhaps a buffet makes more sense for you.  We have even been toying with the idea of offering brunch food – an omelet station; Belgian waffles; challah french toast; crepes; lox and smoked whitefish; tuna and egg salads; bagels, bagels and more bagels.  Quite honestly, this fare appeals to me more than fancy gourmet dishes and may very well appeal to those on your guest list, as well.  The only caveat – you can’t go the brunch route if you host a Saturday night black tie affair.  But, if you are hosting a Sunday afternoon shindig (as we are), this menu fits the more casual vibe.  Even a modified cocktail hour with only two stations and a cold table lops a chuck of change off the bill.  If you want to trim costs for a Saturday night affair, but still want it fancy, try a club theme, with a lavish hors d’oeuvres spread and a buffet, but no sit down meal.  Beware though, if you opt for club décor, you will spend whatever you save on food on furniture rental.  By working with the décor of your venue and letting your table top decorations enhance the club theme, you will keep the food savings in your pocket. 

 

Of course, one of the best ways to trim costs is tip #3: simply host a kiddush after the service, in lieu of a full blown affair.  A kiddush is defined by Wikipedia as “a ceremonial meal served at the synagogue following…the conclusion of services.”  A kiddush can be as bountiful or a simple as you like.  A very basic kiddush might include challah; crackers; fish (whitefish, smoked fish; herring; etc.); cake and fruit.  If all you are hosting is a kiddush, you can offer your guests a fairly lavish spread for a fraction of what a Saturday night or even Sunday afternoon affair would cost.  A sumptuous kiddush might include challah; bagels; tuna fish and egg salads; whitefish salad; lox; herring; baked salmon; sliced cheeses; pasta salads; various types of cream cheese; a salad platter; fruit; cake and cookies.  Because of the ceremonial feel of a kiddush, it definitely keeps the spirituality of the occasion in the celebration.  Most likely you will host a kiddush after the service anyway, so if you are working within a strict budget or if you are planning on celebrating with a special vacation (rather than a party) this is a wonderful way to mark the milestone.

 

Hosting a kiddush right after services allows you to save on another budget buster – clothing.  You only need one outfit for the synagogue and can skip a second for the affair (which you would require for a Saturday night or Sunday celebration).  If you do need two outfits, here’s tip #4: host a “Denim and Diamonds” party.  Stated on the invitation, this lets your guests know you expect them to wear jeans and a dressy shirt.  If you are hosting a bar mitzvah, you can state “club attire” on the invite, since “Denim and Diamonds” is more appropriate for a girl, than a boy.  Either way – a new pair of jeans and a fancy shirt are far less costly than a cocktail dress or a new suit.  As an added benefit, everyone will be more comfortable on the dance floor!  I know for myself, the thought of no pantyhose is enough to make me seriously consider this option.  My son loves the idea too.  What kid wouldn’t want the freedom of movement jeans affords?  Plus, this attire fits in perfectly with a money-saving club theme. 

 

We are only a fraction of the way into this planning process and I’m sure I will learn a lot more as we are forced to winnow down our choices, regarding menus and entertainment.  I hope to share any nuggets I pick up along the way and perhaps vent a bit, in the hopes that others who are pulling their hair out as they write check after check will at least feel better, knowing they are not alone.  Even such a joyous occasion can be fraught with anxiety over budgets and head butting with a newly minted (or about to be) teenager.  In the end though, it will all be worth it.  And here’s tip #5: remember to just breathe and enjoy the process and above all, cherish the memories you are about to create.

 

*Special thanks to Keith Senzer, of Del Mir Caterers,  for sharing his encyclopedic knowledge of party planning!